Home is where…where?

I don’t think I’ve ever quite figured it out.

There seem to be very mixed opinions on where a home is.

On what a home is, or can be.

Even on who a home might become.

 

It can be a country, a state, a city, a house, or whatever you define as your space.

Your place.

It can be a feeling, an emotion, a connection.

Your heart.

It can be whomever steals your heart.

Your human.

 

I get that many want to stay close to family. Without them it could never be a home to some. That bond, the importance of such a community.

In my case this is not true.

Others call home based solely on feelings. They just know. They connect with the soul of a certain environment and decide that this is it. This is what they have been looking for. This is what they need.

In my case this is also not yet true.

The rare few, the magical ones, the chosen ones perhaps. They have found a home within someone else. Within their existence, their being, their heart. They do not need to define home as anything else, as anywhere is home, as long as the other half is present.

In my case, this is probably the furthest of possibilities.

 

I can’t even begin to imagine where mine might be.

I have a few possible ideas, but that doesn’t really help. I like California, I suppose. I could probably go back to Germany some day and stop there. Spain is also nice.

Which type could I be?

I’m not the biggest family person. I’m more likely to base it on emotions. Since those are so strong it could end up being a person. If I were to come across someone, someday.

It’s a tough question.

Is it a necessary one?

I’m not even sure about this whole home thing.

I feel so lost within myself. How am I supposed to find anything?

For now, I need to find the way out of this maze inside of me.

I’d love a map.

I’ll ask google later.

 

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Your first attempt at life.

And I ask of you:

Didn’t I give it my all?

Didn’t I try my best?

My very best?

Over and over?

But in the end,

was it enough?

Was this all I had to give?

 

And you say:

 

Yes!

You gave it your all.

It was your first attempt at Life.

How could you have possibly done even better?

How…

where and why am I?

how come?

why not?

when then?

how so?

it is all so confusing.

how do i make the change

when do i make the change

where do i make the change

how, when, where

where, when, how

when, how, where

 

thoughts

mindless self indulgence

scattered across the plains of my brain lands

as jittery hands shake, my mind vibrates with sheer doubt

 

i need to make the move

but i never have

not in this life

in my last life I’ve done a few

 

i haven’t played this kind of real world chess in a long time

not since the past time

in a land before our time

long forgotten

long lost

but can it be re-awakened ?

can it be revived?

 

annoyance creeps into my veins

drizzling, dripping, drooping

how

when

where?

 

sharing fragile moments.

sharing the warm and memorable moments.

sharing vulnerable and heartfelt moments.

smiling together.

laughing together.

is the thing i miss most.

makes my insides crumble , bit by bit.

life, fleeting, changing,ending, beginning.

Like a gust of wind;

Life comes,

Life goes.

Life swims,

Life sinks.

Life flies,

Life gets buried alive.

It can turn on a dime.

It can be your choice.

It can be someone else’s.

It can be nobody’s.

I think it’s about time to up and end my current life.

I think it’s time to let a new one grow.

Not out of absolutely nothing, but mostly.

I do not really own any worldly possessions.

A chair and a table.

Some clothes.

My computer.

No car, no house, no loved one.

Not bound by much it makes leaving and restarting life a lot easier.

A lot less complicated but also not as substantial.

I need a few boxes, suitcases and a rental car.

A destination and a cause.

It can’t be too spontaneous.

I need some sort of plan.

Some goal to guide me down this new path.

This current life, my then old life, will be swiftly forgotten.

My shoes and existential-space filled by someone else.

They will make friends with the people who remain.

They will fill my void.

In the end, I never really left.

I never even stayed.

It’s been tough making connections, so I don’t think it will be too hard to cut them out.

I have one, maybe two people I would want to stay in contact with.

If it actually happens is another story.

We will see.

Not even sure I would have wanted to make more ties.

Not sure I could have.

So let’s try again, lets create again, lets begin again.

Let me live again.

 

shadows of past.

The seat of the overnight bus would creak and squeak.

The passing road went on forever.

Eventually, I couldn’t tell if the sounds were coming from the lose seats, my stomach, or my heart.

Nightmares of never arriving anywhere.

Passing houses, cars and trees turned into silhouettes.

Silhouettes turned into mere shadows.

Illusions of what once was real and now seemed ever so lost.

As if once living creatures had their souls sucked out of them.

These now inanimate objects tell tales of a long forgotten past.

Once; a sought after future.

Now; stories slowly fading into nothingness.

Existence is futile

 

 

 

Why do my lungs still breathe?

I remember the magic spell,

From back when a rainbow stretched across the sky.

In an instant, every corner of the world,

Took on a brilliant hue.

The voice of my heart

Always illuminates the path I need to take.

It is because I doubt everything,

That I know it to be true.

Why does my heart still beat?

Why do my lungs still breathe?

Why is my chest burning with passion?

There’s a reason for all of that.

And, like the starry sky hidden behind the clouds.

Like the ticket to a destination I lost somewhere.

Like the history of the world before I was born.

You hold the answer just beyond my reach.

If nothing else, I know that all too well.

If nobody else, I know that all too well.

I know it all too well.

  • 3-gatsu no Lion, Opening ❤